Head size is directly correlational to intelligence! I insist.

Anyone wondering how our four month old is coming along? Dr. B checked her and found the following: She's meeting her milestones, she is in the 75% for height and weight, and has a ginormous head. That's not really a surprise. I pulled out the measuring tape to see if she is reflecting her parents genetics, and indeed she is. I always knew my noggin topped the charts, but turns out so does Jesse's. Here's to Big Headed Folks all over the country! You know you are. I won't name names, but certain folks (Julie) have a free membership in our club. You are welcome to borrow hats, helmets and headbands anytime!

A few laughs with my mom, and my own head history was re-lived. At birth, my head was so big my face got crushed on the way out of the birth canal, and for weeks, my best feature was my ears. When I was 8, my friend Serena's crappy dad called me "Big Head". Jerk. (He also introduced me to Elvira and her vampire show, which rendered me completely paralyzed from fear every time I went outside to feed the dog after dark.) A few years later, my friend Jarod called me Gazoo, after the big headed alien on Flintstones. At a wedding last fall, I ran into a high school friend's parents, and all they could remember to call me was "Nugget," because that's what they dubbed me (and my head) 15 years ago.

Then there is the family history... my mom's hats came from the women's department... when she was 5. When my aunt was born, the first thing the Dr. said to my grandfather was NOT "It's a girl!", but "God damn BIG HEADS!" (Wonder what my grandmother was saying... ) My grandfather's hats were specially made for him. A quick glance through photos of generations beyond that reveal a constant: Big heads. I suspect it's a dominant trait.

So here's where I stand on the issue: The teasing sucked. It really did. But in the grand scheme of things, it was tolerable and a big head really isn't that bad. Besides, better to have MORE space for brains than less, I say. Beyond that, teasing only builds your defense mechanisms, rendering me immune to head jokes at this point in my life. Recall Steve Martin in Roxanne? That's me. There's no head joke I haven't heard, and couldn't top. And, like Steve Martin, I ended up with the hot love interest. (Have you seen my husband?! Soooo much hotter than Darryl Hannah.)

But I hereby let it be known that if anyone makes fun of my darling Vivian's head, whether you are 5 or 50, you will receive a tongue lashing that only someone with a brain as big as mine is capable of. No exceptions.