Volunteer time

Right after the September 11th attacks several years ago, I had to fly. Security was crazy tight, as you probably recall, and everyone was kinda blurry about how the rules worked. Most personnel seemed to err on the conservative side of the rules in those days. So you can imagine my surprise when, while boarding a flight in DFW, the gate attendant actually said "Does anyone want to volunteer for a random security check?"

Quite possibly one on the funniest moments of irony in my life, I had to volunteer.

Not-so-funny moment of irony No. 2 occurred this morning. The not-so-funny part is that I dropped Vivian, in her carseat, yesterday. Tight parking space, couldn't get the door open all the way, lost my grip and the girl and her seat when sliding down the door of the car and the side of the chair to the ground. Since there was so much blocking her fall, the carseat landed upright and she was securely fastened, no one was injured. Just a wee pout face -- not even a single holler. But then she slept like a demon last night, and by that I mean she was up every hour and a half in an evening starting at 9:30 pm and ending at 4:52 am this morning. I took her for a drive at 6 and decided I better take her in for a check up, just in case. I mean, what child sleeps like that?

Turns out, mine does. She's fine, she just tortures me all night long. Back to the funny part.

So, I told the doctor what happened and she says she will check her out but that she is sure Vivian is fine. So she strips her down, looks at her head, her face, her spine... her legs, for bruises (?)... and then opens her diaper to look at her v@gina. I mean, COME ON LADY! Do you ACTUALLY believe that she has an internal injury from her SEATBELT???? Or, alternatively and almost as incredibly, do you think that I abused my daughter and then voluntarily brought her in to SHOW YOU!?!?!?!?!

These experiences lead me to two, equally plausible, conclusions: either the world is full of idiots and everyone thinks I am one of them, or everyone else is an idiot and I am not. You can imagine where I stand on this debate.

Here's hoping I don't hear the knock knock of CPS anytime soon.

Oh yeah, and just to make it an even 3, I volunteered for the Mother's Milk bank. That's right. I am going to send over 150 ounces of human tissue (that's what the IRS calls it) so that preemies the world over can live longer, healthier lives. I am telling you, readers, so that I won't lazy my way out of it.

So, here's to airport security, carseat chastity belts and liquid tissue. Cheers!